You think you’ve lived life? You think you’ve seen life?
You don’t know shit.
This is hell.
You’re just a bunch of little boys playing house. Playing doctor. You wouldn’t know life if it climbed in your bedroom window and murdered your whole family. and it will. Life is waiting outside your window right now, with a big knife. Its waiting to climb inside the window to your mind and use your limbs to kill your children and rape your wife to death. Then it will leave you holding the bloody knives to stand trial. It will be waiting there for you in prison to rape you for the rest of your life screaming and crying over what you have done.
Its a monster growing in all of us. Our own inhumanity denied as we play the games of adulthood never actually stepping out from behind our mother’s apron strings or our father’s wallet. Its that part of us that knows, not thinks KNOWS, that all of our friends hate us. That your wife hates you, has always hated you, will always hate you. Hates all of us. Hates all of the little boys pretending to be men.
She hates us for the same reason all the little girls hate all us little boys. She was abused, she was raped, shit upon, but some little boy pretending to be a man. Maybe it was her last husband, maybe it was her father but… if you dare just look her in the eye, You’ll see it. The hate, the RAGE pressed down and denied compressed from fire into cold burning waiting coal. Rage’s coal building up until nothing can stop it. She hates you. They all hate you. Every time she denies it, denies that part of her it gets worse.
Look into your best friend’s eyes. there in the pupil, the blackest part, you’ll see it. The rage. He hates you. Has hated you your whole life. He’d like nothing better than to rape your wife, and kill you. spit on your corpse. as he’s been spit on his entire life. His mother didn’t love him, his dad beat him and his wife cheated on him, he thinks it was you or if it wasn’t it was some other asshole just like you. She cheated on him because she hates him as she hates all the little boys pretending to be men. Because he raped her or beat her or maybe it was someone else. maybe it was her dad.
So you hide.
You crawl behind your mother’s apron strings. or your dad’s wallet. But whatever you do don’t look them in the eyes. Don’t whatever you do look your mother in your eyes. You can see it. You can hear it. She hates you. because in all likelihood you were born of abuse and rape. Your father that great man that has protected and loved you your whole life raped and abused her. and you were born of it. and you can see it there deep in her pupils. maybe it wasn’t even him, maybe it was her last lover, or her dad, or just some other little boy that neither of you will know. The hates you like she hates him.
Then you’ll look in your father’s eyes. and you’ll see it there too. He hates you, just as he hates her. the rage burning cold tamped down compressed until its the blackest pit of hate that can be. You ruined his life. before you he was a young man in love. He had a woman. He had other women. Maybe he didn’t treat them the best but he was living. or so he thought. Then you came to prove him wrong. and he was trapped with her. Only to discover he hated her. she was a harpy, and you did nothing but cry. cry and eat and waste his money and ruin his happiness as fleeting as it was.
So you walk around with your head down. You don’t dare look in anyone’s eyes not even your own children’s. Cause you know you’ll see it there too, you see it everywhere. But you can only go so long hiding from sight.
And one day maybe your shaving, maybe your washing your face with cold water trying to make the fear, the bile go away, you make the ultimate mistake. You look in your own eyes.
Now you truly can’t escape it.
Its there.
You hate. You are filled with the rage, the bile. You hate yourself. You always have. That’s why you’ve ruined everything that has ever made you happy. and you realize that you hate your wife. That’s why you do what you do. You hate your children. You hate your parents. You hate everyone who has ever done anything mean or nice for you in your entire life. You hate them all with that cold cold burning that old burning rage that will one day rise up and destroy everything you’ve ever loved. consume your whole life and kill you in the process. You see the monster for the first time.
That monster that has pursued you your entire life. you see him behind your eyes. you see how your face is nothing but a mask you use to hide him from the world. Now you understand why no one can look you in the eye. They can all see it. If they dare look they’ll see what you really are and they all know. THEY ALL KNOW that deep down where it really counts you hate them. Have always hated them. Will always hate them. and they hate you for it. They can’t forgive the monster you carry within you. How could they? How can you?
And you might hate this message. And you might hate me for it. You might even try to kill me for it.
Go ahead. I welcome it.
Just don’t look me in the motherfucking eyes.