Man… Some times life is so… concentrated. Too much happens in one of my weekends now to process it all at once. I’m having too much experience, too much fun, to understand it all right away. I think I need to spend more time in quiet reflection in between and behind my living in order to find a place of balance again. I say this but in fact I’ve gotten much better at finding my balance point again… almost as nice and smooth as I used be at my best when so much less actually went on.
The crucible has been fired up to the right temperature and pressure for real transformations to happen and the nature of the material is exposed as the experience is folded back on itself and the gold is revealing self as having always been present and that which we would consider dross is slowly dripping away and adding fuel to the flames.
Life is Awesome.
If you are lucky like me, life will thwart your every intention. No straight-aways, only detours through rocky terrain. For the very best things that have ever happened to me were those unexpected and beautiful disasters. The arduous hikes and terrified sprints built the muscles of my will, taught me to relax in the maelstrom and even surf the tornadoes.
And for indescribable brief and eternal moments as the dust and ash cleared as I floated in freefall such majestic beauty was gifted me that any one of them makes every hardship I’ve ever touched the most worthwhile experiences I can imagine
Still it’s a real good bet, the best is yet to come…
Have you ever been yourself? It’s a weird experience, let me tell you…
I set myself a deadline for my transformation. I kept my schedule but I’m not turning into what I THOUGHT I would.
And lo, a different person came home than the one that left my house.
The crow understands your history, the rabbit: life and death, the wolf knows what it wants, and the cat: how we feel.
I am the coyote AND the crow. I am the seed in the soil and the sun in bloom.
Sitting in the coffeeshop. Neurologically damaged. Again. Monday afternoon is still sunday night for me. Feels like it is force of will alone that keeps my body from falling apart as every part of me tries to go in a different direction.
Utterly alone, despite the people around. How I want to be. Indifferent to anything other than the microscopic permutations of sensation that pass over this body without organs.
I was never good at absolute gestures. I always hold something back, keep something in reserve. I’m reserved. I walk the line. Random electric guitar noises keep me rooted to this point in space and time.
How much of myself do I hide from the world? and yet sometimes I feel that that hiding itself is my purest truth. The persona, the mask and its mysteries, is my ultimate nature and the depths of my soul are only there to justify and validate the subterfuge.
Go after the experiences you want but don’t be afraid of the ones you didn’t ask for as there is something of value in every moment of time that can be found by paying attention for your cubed centimeter of chance and entering into the opportunity with all of your self using the force of your being to seep into the gaps in reality and open the way to the numinous finding the reality inside your reality.
I was just sitting here in my living room not thinking much just letting the music take me on a journey when I picked up my pen and started sliding it across this page encoding the moment in a meta aware namshub which understands how this will generate the reality I want as an iterative process unspiralling itself in all directions through possibility space informing every moment with the pattern of our becoming…
It is easy to forget that the world changes if you stay in the same place, living the same routines like a meat robot. In travel the world changes, if only because you see a different part of it. The places you go have changed since you were last there and home has changed when you get back. A change of perspective, movement on a moving sphere.
The eye, the soft machine that lets light in, is the key to growth. Show it new things so the sleeper can awaken and see old things with new eyes. A fixed point amidst the maelstrom, come to rest in your motion. Globes rotating around each other, giving light, hosting life and living sight.
I dream of a space of freedom with nomad royalty drifting the landscape pursuing fragments of paradise
I desire dark elves and androgynous gods free in their bondage submitting only to desire rubbing sliding together in ecstasy
I see the visions of green waters golden lights laughing faces singing voices together in the abundant now
I feel the world blowing past on wheels and sails and wings we move absorbed in the dance of our holiness
I come into this world my righteous inheritance the blood in my veins crackles and joy burns away the mundane
I find my joy hidden in my sadness. By digging into the parts of my soul that cry out in pain, I see what I truly desire to be and all the myriad ways I betray myself every day. I find the great reservoir of love I keep hidden behind fear. I find the human being I’m meant to be, have been (briefly, all too briefly) and will be again.
From that dark soil the bright blossom slowly opens outward, fed by and embodying the light of the sun, coloring the world with that eternal mystery… that beauty, with all its wasteful glory, is possible at all in this harsh dark universe we share and fight over.
Our culture teaches us to see with eyes held to the tightest of focuses and hear the world chopped up into tiny things like words and syllables. With these tiny slices of reality we try to grasp the world but we end up touching only a minuscule bit of it.
Waiting for us just outside these limiting fixations is such a wealth of knowledge, wisdom and beauty that we can scarcely imagine it. But we can unlearn these cultural fixations. We can relax our eyes and let in more of the light. We can cease to hear the words and start to hear the song. We can perceive how all of nature dances, singing a sublime complexity in harmony with the fundamental pulsations of life.
And as we learn how to experience this dance of life, we can feel our body resonate with these primal pulsations of our true nature. We can begin to relax the restraining armour, which we had constructed of our fear and our frustrations.
We realize that we can participate with this vision, we can hear this tune and remember… we are dancing too.